Where The Hell Are You Going?

44

2009-09-22T20:45:00.001+01:00

Josh and Jack both put down their drinks and looked at Stuart, who was sitting there with a stupid grin all over his face.

“Just sayin’ boys! Don’t let it stop you talking about porn.”

“OK Stu,” said Jack, “Thanks for the encouragement.

“So what’s got you to this sudden realization?”

Josh was relieved that the attention seemed to be off him, and that the conversation had suddenly turned in a direction that looked like it might provide the opportunity to ridicule Stuart instead.

Jack was waiting for Stuart to answer his question.

“Well, it was what you were saying about porn. I used to look at porn quite a bit, but I’ve really eased off the past few weeks – its just been one of the changes among all the other changes I’ve been experiencing. I know I’ve fallen in love with Jesus in a new way” – Josh snorted at this, which Stuart ignored – “and that made it difficult for me to sit there wanking while looking at some woman on the screen. And then Kate and I just seem to be getting closer and closer and I found that while I still want to have sex just as much as I ever did, I couldn’t be so indiscriminate in thinking about who I would like it with. And then you two talking has somehow put all the pieces together and made me realize it – that I’m in love!”

“Stuart, you are so gay!” Josh was looking more in control again now, his huge body making the chair he was sitting in groan and flex as he leant back in it. “You can’t be in love – how do you know? Especially if you haven’t shagged Kate yet – and how gay is that? – there’s no way you can say you love someone if you don’t even know what she’s like in bed. And then all this, ‘I’m in love with Jesus’ crap – how gay is that?!”

Jack looked like he wanted to say something, but held back, waiting to see how Stuart would respond. This was proving an interesting turn in the conversation, one that he hadn’t really anticipated. How Stuart handled this would be a good test of what he really knew, and really believed.

43

2009-09-12T15:54:00.000+01:00

Josh was beginning to feel uncomfortable. This was exactly the kind of thing he’d been worried about when Stuart had said they should talk to Jack. It was all sounding a bit too much like psycho-babble, and it was starting to get complicated.

Jack seemed to sense Josh’s discomfort, and pre-empted him. “Look Josh, I’m not trying to get all Freudian on you. I’m just wanting you to think a bit about why it is you do the things that you do, and how that connects to how things work out for you and Claire.

“Let’s try another tack for a moment – what about the body building? What’s the deal there?”

Josh really didn’t like the way the conversation was going now. He liked people looking at him and sizing up his muscles, but he didn’t like being cross-examined on why he felt that way.

Again, Jack pre-empted him. “I like working out Josh, and I understand why a man wants to look like a man – all of us have stood in front of the mirror worrying about whether we’re buff enough, or big enough, or whatever. And I’m impressed by the discipline you obviously have to get the results you’ve got. But I just wonder if there are some holes in your life – gaps that you try and fill with the weights and the porn that really need to be filled by something else.”

Josh looked at Jack, astounded. “Look buddy, its only 15 minutes since we met and you’re trying to do the whole pscho-analysis thing with me? Next you’ll be trying to find out about my relationship with my mother!”

“Well, I would be interested in that too Josh, if you’d like to tell me!”

Josh was starting to feel trapped. He should just get up and leave, but for some reason he couldn’t do it. He looked at Stuart for help. But Stuart was just sitting there, smiling to himself.

“You know what?” he said suddenly, “I think I’m really in love with Kate!”

42

2009-09-11T15:53:00.001+01:00

“You Christians are weird.”

Josh hadn’t taken long to get on the defensive with Jack. He still couldn’t quite believe that he was sitting here anyway. He wanted to dislike Jack, to have an argument, and leave, but he was finding that hard. Jack wasn’t particularly dislikeable.

“I know Josh – that’s very much how it looks! It must be very frustrating for you that Claire isn’t playing ball.”

Josh wasn’t sure if Jack had meant to make a double entendre with that one, but it made him laugh, and that made him relax.

“Yeah – you Christians are weird! I mean, I just don’t get all this ‘no sex’ thing. Its like you’re denying what you are. Its just not natural.”

“So what are we here to talk about Josh? From what Stuart has told me I understand that you can’t get Claire out of your head and its freakin’ you out? If sex is so natural, why is it freakin’ you?”

“Because its just in my head – and not in my bed!” Josh paused for a moment, quite impressed by his sudden turn of poetry. “I’ve got all this stuff burning in my brain the whole time, but can’t do anything with it. And I don’t know what to do – I don’t want to stop seeing Claire, but seeing her just makes it worse. Whenever we’re at the gym and I see her hot ass in those shorts…”

“OK Josh – I get the picture! Tell me, do you ever look at porn?”

Josh snorted. “Yeah – what do you think?! Don’t you?”

“No, actually I don’t.”

“Knew you Christians were weird,” Josh interrupted.

Jack smiled patiently and carried on. “No Josh, I don’t look at porn, but I’d be interested to know why you do.”

Josh leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment. It was such an obvious question, but not one that he’d ever been asked before. He’d never even thought about it before.

“Well… because that’s what guys do. It looks good. It makes me feel good. Everyone does. I always wanted to and always have – you know, there’s nothing like a woman’s body. Its made to be looked at.”

“Yeah, I understand the biological urge Josh. I know what its like to be turned on. But I’m not sure you’re really answering my question. Think a bit deeper – what is it that porn offers you? What need does it fill? Not just the need of your dick to get excited – what is it in you that needs to look?”

41

2009-09-09T14:25:00.001+01:00

When Stuart had suggested they go see Jack, Josh had not been impressed.

“Look buddy,” he’d replied angrily, “Its bad enough saying anything to you – the last thing I need is to get some psycho-babble from your ‘Youth Pastor’.”

Stuart had winced when he heard the disdain with which Josh said youth pastor, and it had made him question for a moment whether he was just being stupid. But Jack wasn’t an insipid do-gooder. There was no doubt he was a real man. And no-one had helped Stuart so much with real issues as Jack had. For him, Jack was the obvious place to turn whenever he had something tricky he needed to talk about, so it had been the first thing that sprung to mind when Josh came to him with his little ‘problem’.

It had taken Josh a fair amount of foot shuffling and mumbling about other stuff before he’d come out with what was really on his mind. Of course, Stuart hadn’t been surprised by the news. It was clear as day that Josh had a thing for Claire, and, of course, that meant he would be fantasizing about her. Stuart was more surprised that Josh seemed embarrassed about it.

Stuart had tried to make a joke of it to lighten the mood, but that had backfired – Josh didn’t seem particularly amused at Stuarts suggestion that all that weight training must have shrunk his manhood to the size of a small prawn, so he was surprised that Josh had any sex drive left. The reality was that Stuart didn’t really know what to say to help his friend – it wasn’t like he was going to go back to Claire and tell her that she really ought to get into bed with Josh to make him feel better. And how did you tell someone who had no belief in God that he needed to wait to get married before having sex? It just wouldn’t make any sense.

So Stuart had said, “Lets talk with Jack.”

What had been the most surprising thing was that in the end Josh had said yes.

So here the three of them were. Sitting in a coffee shop. Talking.

40

2009-09-05T16:18:00.000+01:00

Since he’d started hanging out with Claire, Josh hadn’t been watching so much porn. he hadn’t even been going to the gym quite so much. Sure, both were still almost daily activities, but they weren’t taking up the same number of hours they normally did.

Josh wasn’t sure why, but he had realized he found it difficult to look at Claire after he had been looking at porn. It made him embarrassed. And he didn’t like that because embarrassment was complex, and he wanted life simple. A few days earlier he had gone straight from his computer to the gym and bumped into Claire as he got there. She started to talk with him, but he couldn’t really look at her, and pushed past to the weights. That made her angry and she had followed him asking what the matter was. That had made him embarrassed and that had made him rude and she had stormed off.

He’d had to apologize later, making up some excuse about being tired. It wasn’t cool.

But it wasn’t just the embarrassment. Being with Claire was somehow reducing his desire for porn. She might not be perfect, like the girls on the screen, but she was definitely hot, and there was something about her real-ness that had got under his skin. She was starting to be more attractive to him than the unreality of those images. It was also probably her purity – she just seemed to glow.

Only this was causing Josh even more trouble.

He might not be looking at porn so much, but his mind was increasingly filled with fantasies about what he would like to be doing with Claire.

Since that first fumbled attempt at the gym Josh hadn’t tried to get physical with Claire in any way, but his mind was full of her. He’d tried to ask her out once. “What? As in a date? Rather than just seeing each other like we are?” she’d replied. And then laughed at him.

And that wasn’t cool either.

It was really messing him up.

Josh decided he would have to do what he never did – talk to someone about it.

39

2009-09-04T16:18:00.001+01:00

Some church members Mark was always pleased to see; others were much harder work. And, to be honest, given a choice he would normally prefer to be with unbelievers anyway – it was too easy to get stuck in a Christian bubble and lose touch with the world. It was unbelievers who needed the gospel, so it was unbelievers he wanted to hang out with.

John and Tracy were not at the top of Mark’s list of people to visit with. They were hard work. They had been in church forever, but Mark worried that they were just making up the numbers. There didn’t seem to be any passion about them. Sure, they would be there faithfully most Sundays, and they would put money in the offering, and sometimes help out with different church events – but there just seemed to be something missing. As far as he could see, they hadn’t done much to help Stuart grow in his faith – Jack was the one who had done that.

It was like only an earthquake would jolt them into action.

When Mark had dropped by to talk with them about Stuart’s baptism they’d been polite enough. And they seemed pleased, in a kind of half-hearted way. But then their whole focus had switched to things Mark just didn’t see as important – who would be the worship leader that Sunday? could they choose some songs? where could they put their video camera? They didn’t seem to have much sense of how Jesus had got hold of Stuart’s life – it was more like they saw his baptism as little more than a social occasion.

Mark went home to Alicia with a frown on his face.

“Don’t ever let me get like that,” he’d said to her. “Why bother at all? If you’re not going to show some passion you might as well just stay in and watch TV all day.”

38

2009-09-03T21:04:00.001+01:00

Jack was back in Pastor Mark’s study.

“You know, its so good to feel we’re actually winning this one.”

Jack was lying back on the saggy old sofa, his shoes off and a mug of coffee balanced on his knee.

“So often it feels like we fight and fight for these guys and then it doesn’t work out, but Stuart has seriously turned a corner – I think he’s got so much potential.”

“Well, you know what we always say Jack – the Christian life isn’t like a battle, it is a battle. We have to fight for souls, and teach them how to fight for themselves. But even when it feels like we’re losing, you’ve got to remember that ultimately we win – the cross is the guarantee of that. And I think you’re right – I do think we’re going to win this one. If a guy like Stu has such a profound meeting with Jesus that he stops trying to bed his girlfriend you’ve got to know something real has happened.

“When do you think we’re going to get him baptized?”

“Well, as soon as possible – you tell me a date we can do it and we’ll get it on.”

“OK – there doesn’t seem much point waiting. If he’s up for it, lets do it next Sunday. And what about Kate? Do you think she’s up for a dunking too?”

“Yeah, I reckon she is. It would be great to do them at the same time. But the one I’d really like to get in there is Josh.”

“The big guy?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. He’s been hanging around a bit recently – not actually been to church on a Sunday yet, but kind of on the margins. I think he’s got a thing for Claire, and that’s what’s pulling him in.”

“Lets hope its more than that – we need Jesus to pull him in too. You don’t think Claire’s going to do anything silly do you? It would be a shame if we got Stuart and Kate sorted out only to have Claire go off the rails because of Josh.”

“No, I don’t think there’s much chance of that. Sharon has been seeing quite a bit of her and reckons she’s as clear as can be.”

“That’s great. I’ve always had a soft spot for Claire. All the way through her teens she’s always been attentive – when I’m preaching I often notice her listening, you know, really listening.”

“And that’s not something that can be said of many of us!” interrupted Jack.

“Thanks friend! No, seriously, she’s great, and I wouldn’t want to see her tripped up or hurt in any way.”

“Don’t worry – Shaz is onto it. She’ll be fine.

“What about Stuarts parents? You spoken to them at all recently? Although I’ve been seeing a lot of Stuart I haven’t really caught up with John and Tracy. But they must be pleased…”

“Yeah, I hope so, although you can never really tell with those two – difficult to draw much out of them. Tell you what, I’ll give them a call.”

37

2009-08-28T08:44:00.000+01:00

Josh and Claire had been seeing a lot of each other since that day in the gym. For whatever reason, Claire had seen something in Josh that went beyond her first impressions of him being a self-obsessed meathead; and for his part, Josh had got to the point where he was always looking for an excuse to be where Claire was – it was when he was with her that he felt happiest about life.

Of course, people had started to talk. “Claire…” Kate had said conspiratorially, taking here friend by the arm and leading into a quiet corner of the coffee shop, “What’s the deal with you two?”

Claire hadn’t been sure how to answer that – she simply knew that she was quite enjoying it when Josh was around.

“I don’t know Kate – at first I think I just felt sorry for him. I mean, you know how angry I was when he tried to get over familiar with me? Well I think that even thinking about that made me see how lonely he is – you know, the kind of loneliness that is not about not having anyone to hang with, but about something inside you. And then when he lost that silly competition with Stuart it made me feel really sorry for him somehow…”

“But you’ve got to admit its kind of weird! I’d have never put you together.”

“Yeah but we’re not ‘together’ are we?! I’m just being friendly – nothing more than that. Even if I was interested in anything more than that, there’s no way with him not being a Christian – you know that. He knows that. I think everyone knows that! Remember – I’m the freaky Christian kid!”

“OK, OK – you might not be snogging him, but I’ve seen you together. Sure looks more than ‘just friends’ to me!”

“I really don’t know what you mean…!”

“Yeah, yeah – like the way you gaze up admiringly at him every time he flexes his biceps – its all, ‘O, yes Josh! Well done Josh! O Josh you’re so strong Josh!’”

Claire had turned red to the roots of her blond hair – “O shut up Kate!” she laughed. “Its all just your twisted imagination!”

Kate was trying to flex her arms now and blowing kisses at Claire.

“Look at me Claire – I’m your big strong muscle man…!”

Claire stuck her tongue out at her friend and the two girls giggled as they took a sip of their coffee.

“OK – I do like him. But nothings happening if he doesn’t love Jesus. That’s it. But what about you… How are you and Stu doing? Still think he’s the man of your dreams?”

Kate sighed, and smiled, and took another sip of coffee.

“Well, its going great! Its not at all like I thought it was going to be though. He’s suddenly got so serious about Jesus – at first I felt a little jealous. You know, it was like one day I was all he could think about, and we were going to, well you know, we were going to…! And then we had all that time with Jack and Sharon and everything moved into another gear, and I’m not so sure I’m the most important person in his life anymore.

“Not that I’m complaining though. I feel like he’s respecting me more somehow, and its just so much fun when we are together. Even if you and the incredible hulk are there looking all smoochy!”

Claire squealed.

“I’m ignoring that last comment! But I think its great how you two are doing – and its not just him is it? I mean, you seem to have got a lot more serious about Jesus too. What do you think God is doing with you?”

36

2009-08-26T12:33:00.000+01:00

“Maybe change the world?!”

“Yeah – I bring you world peace…! That would be nice, but lets be realistic here.”

“But you are meant to be a world changer Stuart – and you can be, because of the change that has happened in you. Be realistic all you like, but aim high, not low.

“You need to see how you are part of the big picture of God’s plan since before the world was even made. You’ve got a huge story to tell, because you’re part of a huge story – a story of a world made out of the overflow of God’s love and grace, but fallen because of our rebellion. A story of God’s plan to rescue and redeem us – that he never left the world just to go to hell but always was working out his plan for us. And then all this reaching its focus in the cross of Jesus, and all that now means for us – the promise of relationship with God and of one day the whole universe being made new and perfect – a perfect world where we will be with Jesus for ever.

Jack paused, then added, “You know what I think you need to do before anything else though?”

“What?”

“Get baptized.”

Stuart laughed. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that – but I just don’t get it. You’re talking about a massive, inter-galactic story – how does me jumping into a pool with my clothes on have any relevance to that?”

“Well, its like our conversations about sex, and whether what you do – just one little individual – makes any difference in a world of billions of people. You’ve got to be able to draw the line between the epic story of what God is doing in the universe and the real significance to God of you and your actions.”

“Go on then – draw it for me.”

“OK – I’ll give it my best shot.

“First off, baptism is just simple obedience. Jesus said we should do it, and that really should be enough. Just do it!”

“Yeah, I get that,” said Stuart, “And I guess that makes me think I should do it. But I can’t see it will mean very much to me. I just don’t get why its such a big deal.”

“Well I’m trying to get to that – if you’ll let me!

“You’ve got to try and see how you getting baptized does connect directly with the big story of what God has been doing since before the world was made and is working out until everything is made new again. You might only feel like one tiny dot in a vast universe, but God wants to join the dots together. You see, the reason we’re part of this big story is that God is faithful – you know, we’ve talked about all that faithfulness stuff already haven’t we – that God’s faithfulness is one of the reasons to keep sex in marriage.”

“Yeah I remember that,” said Stuart. “It seemed to make sense.”

“Well this is part of the same deal. God keeps faith. And the reason he does so is because of who he is himself. It is just completely impossible for God to be unfaithful to himself, and that means he must be faithful to the promises he has made.”

“Whoa, hang on there,” interrupted Stuart. “I thought nothing was impossible for God?”

“That’s true Stuart – God can do all things, but he can only do those things that are true to himself; so in a sense some things actually are impossible for God. Look… I know it’s a tough idea to get your mind around, but its true! Take some of the things we know about God – that he is perfect and good and truthful… well, if God suddenly started lying, then he couldn’t really be God could he! It would be like saying that black is really white. It just isn’t possible.”

“I think I get you – so the point about God being faithful is…”

“The point is that God has made a promise, which cannot be broken. And that promise is that he will rescue a people – his Church – for himself and live with them forever. Its going to happen – its got to happen because of God’s faithfulness to himself.”

“But baptism Jack – what’s the connection? I still don’t see how you are joining the dots.”

“Let me throw in a word you’ll have heard a ton of times at church, but maybe never really thought about or understood: Covenant. That’s the word we use to describe God’s promises – God has made a covenant – a binding promise – to save a people for himself; to marry them if you like… which is why we talk about our marriages as a covenant and why we say you shouldn’t have sex unless you’re married. Its about a binding, faith-filled promise, based on the very character of God.”

“OK… but what’s that got to do with me getting baptized?”

“Well that’s exactly the point I’m trying to make! Baptism is the sign that you are part of this covenant with God. Its not just about jumping in a pool with your clothes on – it’s the evidence that God has drawn the line that connects the dot of your life with his epic plan for the whole world. And that’s massive!”

35

2009-08-25T16:29:00.001+01:00

Since the talk about elephants, Stuart and Kate’s relationship had shifted somehow. It wasn’t that they had deliberately sat down and talked together about establishing “boundaries” or anything like that. But, they were treating each other differently. It had all been so quick anyway. Sure, there had been the build-up – those weeks spent checking each other out and realizing they both fancied each other. But then it had been quick. A coffee one day, a snog the next, and then the aborted attempt to have sex. Now, a few weeks on things seemed to have reached more of a balance. They were seeing each other a lot, but usually as part of the crowd they hung out with rather than alone. And they weren’t so physical. Stuart was almost beginning to wonder if lust was turning to love.

He was sitting now with Jack, who as usual had been asking all kinds of personal questions.

“So what’s changed Stuart? Why do you think things are looking different between you guys now?”

This was a question Stuart had been thinking about himself. Kate still filled him with unbelievable desire. If anything, she was looking even better now than she had a couple of months earlier. The summer was good for her, and her skin had gone the most gorgeous golden color – when she crossed her legs and he caught sight of the contrast in skin tone at the hem of her skirt he… well, it was a lot to cope with.

Probably the thing that had shifted was not so much how Stuart felt about Kate, as how he felt about Jesus. Something had clicked that night when he and Kate had been with Jack and Sharon. Somehow it all seemed to make more sense now, and mean more. Somehow he’d got it in his guts now, and not just his head.

Stuart had grown up around church. His parents had always gone, and he’d gone with them. He’d always believed as well. Even when he felt the odd one out at school, and when it would have been easier not to. He hadn’t always been exactly a ‘Stand-out Christian.’ There had been times when he’d gone to ground, and tried to distance himself from the God Squad – but his belief had always been there. And the truth was, over the past two or three years it had all begun to mean much more to him. He had begun to feel like it was something he believed for himself, and not just because his parents had passed their faith onto him.

Then that evening with Jack and Sharon – something had happened there. Perhaps it was getting so close to one life-defining moment and then backing off that had pushed him to another one, but he realized he was now not only believing in Jesus, but feeling excited about Jesus. He felt that he’d suddenly seen it – seen it in a way he hadn’t before. Seen the power and beauty of who Jesus was and what he had done – seen the implications of this for his own life – seen what it demanded of him. And somehow, getting his hands into Kate’s knickers didn’t really fit with what he was feeling about Jesus.

Not that he would have claimed all the credit for being a born again master of self-control. Kate’s attitude was different too – ever since that moment when she understood what it meant to say Jesus was her Savior. Rather than encouraging each other on in a wrong way, they now seemed to be helping one another to do things the right way.

It was weird.

“Man, its weird!” said Stuart.

“You and Sharon really messed things up for us! I was all set to do as nature intended and you two hit us like a stealth bomber. We got a Jesus bomb that night!”

Jack smiled. “Well I’m glad that’s how its working out. I’ve been praying hard for you. Sharon has too. I can’t tell you how stoked I am at the decisions you’ve been making the past few weeks. But it is only a few weeks – you could so easily wander off course again – you’ve got to keep digging deep into the grace of God.”

“I know – I know. I feel like I’ve tasted something so good – something I want to keep feeding on. But I know I need to go deeper – I’m just not sure what it is I should do. What do you think it is Jesus wants me to do?”

34

2009-08-24T14:18:00.000+01:00

Sometimes Kate wondered what her mum would be like if her dad had been different. Liz had always been so nervous and insecure – always seemed to need something. She had been a good mum in many ways. They’d always been close, but Kate wished her mum had a bit more – well… confidence. If Liz had been more confident maybe she wouldn’t have needed to latch onto any man who showed up. At least Alan was kind enough to Liz – not like some of the other guys who’d been around over the years. But he wasn’t exactly what Kate would look for in a man.

Kate also wondered what it would have been like to have had a brother or sister. Claire was like a sister to her now; but it wasn’t the same. Wasn’t blood.

Being just her and Liz it had been lonely at home at times. Just the two of them, and a succession of cats, and the TV. That was probably why Kate had always worked so hard at making friends. School had always been a relief – somewhere to hang out with other kids. And now there was church, which for all its weird people and weird ways was beginning to feel like family to her.

The last time she had seen her dad had been a couple of years ago. It wasn’t great. He called out of the blue and said he’s like to see her. Took her out for an ice-cream – like she was four rather than fifteen. Kate had tried being polite, but they had nothing to talk about. He’d asked her about school, about Liz, but they couldn’t get a real conversation going. He was like a stranger. Looking at him as she ate her ice-cream, Kate could see that it really was her dad – there was something about his eyes, and the shape of his nose that Kate knew looked like her. But, to be honest, he came across as a bit of a slime-ball. He looked greasy. And tired. There wasn’t much to admire.

When he dropped her back home he hadn’t tried to come in, even though he had quizzed her about Liz. Liz had told Kate that he used to hit her sometimes, when he’d been drinking. Even though she was only five when he left, Kate could remember the fights – the shouting and things being thrown. She remembered how frightened it had made her, and how much better it had been once he was gone.

Sometimes Kate felt frightened now – frightened that she might end up like Liz – alone and sad and insecure. Looking for love. It was why Stuart was so important. He wasn’t like her dad; not like Alan. Not like all those other bullies and tossers and jerks who’d been around over the years.

Kate had spent as much time as she could with her uncle Jim and aunty Maria when she was a kid. At least they seemed together and happy. Her cousins were alright too – a bit like the brothers and sisters she’d never had. There was nothing special about Jim. He just worked. 12 hour shifts at the factory. Then he’d sit in front of the TV, remote in one hand, beer in the other. But she’d never seen him get angry with Maria or the kids. He laughed a lot, and at the weekends in the summer he would light up the barbeque, cook them chicken and ribs, and then turn the hose on them as they ran squealing.

Those were her best memories of childhood. Liz had seemed happy then too – sitting in the sun, chatting with her sister, dipping her toes in the water of the paddling pool.
One thing Kate knew for sure – she was going to have a home that was like that. A man she could love. Some stability. Some kids. A place where there was a lot of laughter. It would be nice to have more money than Jim and Maria and there were a lot of things she wanted to do that they would never have dreamed of – she was clever at school, she would get a good job – but she envied their happiness.

Perhaps Stuart was going to be the man to make her happy. He sure made her laugh. And he sure made her feel good.

33

2009-08-21T11:36:00.001+01:00

For a minute or two they both sat there, not saying anything. Josh sipped at his water and Claire fiddled with the laces on her trainers. Around them the gym was getting back to business as usual. Some people on the weights machines, a small group working on the free weights, other people stepping or rowing or running. Some of the girls were gathered in twos and threes, talking. Lots of people had their iPods plugged in – cocooned in their own little worlds. Others stared vacantly at the screens showing MTV and sports. Just normal life at the gym.

“You two OK?”

It was Stuart.

“Sorry to do that to you big man – but you can’t be best at everything. Thought you might have had a heart attack though. Wish I’d got it on film – definitely one for YouTube.”

“I’ll let you have that one pal, but next time we’ll make it arm wrestling or something – then we’ll see whether your muscles are as big as your mouth!” To his surprise, Josh realized he still wasn’t feeling angry or embarrassed. He sat there, a big grin on his face.

Stuart looked at him strangely.

“Are you sure you’re OK – Claire? – I didn’t think you’d be smiling about it.”

Stuart didn’t quite know which of them to look at or what to say. It didn’t seem to make sense. Why was Josh looking so happy? And why was Claire sitting next to him? What was going on?

“No, really, I’m cool.”

Josh looked at Claire again. “Want to go and get a drink – I could do with something with sugar in it.”

“Sure. Why not?”

Claire and Josh got up and went to pick up their gear while Stuart stood there, feeling confused. As Josh walked out to the changing rooms Stuart caught Claire’s arm.

“Hey! What the hells going on here? I thought you couldn’t stand the guy – thought you wanted me to talk to him about not hassling you? Why are you hanging out with him.”

“I don’t really know Stuart… I really don’t know.”

32

2009-08-20T13:04:00.001+01:00

Looking back, even years later, Claire wasn’t quite sure what had made her do it.

There was nothing about Josh that she liked. OK, so there was a kind of strange primal attraction about his physique, but, to be honest, even that was interesting more in a freaky way than a sexy way. But there was nothing else. She didn’t like his aggression and attention seeking. She didn’t like his insecurity, which seemed to be the root cause of his need to pump himself up. She felt offended at the way he’d tried to grope her.

But if there was one thing Claire was it was tender-hearted. Maybe it was Josh’s obvious embarrassment at being publicly beaten by Stuart that touched her. The gym was where Josh was king, not where he was meant to look a fool.

He was looking up at her now, cursing Stuart under his breath, looking red, soaked in sweat, and somehow vulnerable.

“Huh,” was about all he could manage, but Josh took the cup of water from Claire’s hand.

Claire sat down on the treadmill next to him. “That looked a bit tough Josh – you OK?”

“Not really my best event. Think I’m going to have to wring that scrawny scumbags neck when I catch hold of him.”

“But you wouldn’t be able to catch him Josh – that’s the point!” And Claire began to laugh.

Josh didn’t like being laughed at, but there was something about Claire and the way she was laughing that didn’t make him angry. Instead he started to laugh as well, spluttering and wheezing, still short of breath.

“Yeah… you’ve got a point there. Honestly, what’s the point of being able to shift a bus if I can’t even keep up with a runt like Stuart?!”

Between laughing and catching his breath Josh started to realize that he was feeling happy. It wasn’t an emotion he often felt. He felt good when he was able to push a bigger weight than before. He felt a strange kind of pleasure when watching porn. He liked it when he caught people looking at him, sizing him up. But this was different – it was – what? – more innocent somehow. More childlike. More pure.

It made him say something he hadn’t planned on saying.

“Hey Claire. About the other day… I’m sorry about that. Shouldn’t have done it.”

And, although he couldn’t quite believe it, Josh knew he meant it.

Claire looked at him intently.

“You know what Josh. You might not be beyond hope. Thanks.”

31

2008-12-12T14:30:00.001Z

Stuart thought he would be able to find Josh easily, and he was right. Head for the gym, and that’s most likely where Josh would be. Stuart liked the gym as well, but not in the same obsessive way that Josh seemed to need it. He could work hard when he put his mind to it, but more often it was fun to do a bit of a workout and then spend time chatting with all the other guys who hung out there. Sometimes Stuart would join Josh for a set, and leave the gym with his muscles quivering and useless. The pain could be fun. But not too often.

“Hey there Brickhouse!”

Josh looked around and saw Stuart coming towards him.

“Thought I’d join you for a while – show you how to really shift some metal.”

Josh smile. “With pleasure my little friend. I think there are some hand weights the girls aren’t using…”

Stuart sat down on the bench and looked at the loaded bar on its rack. “You really are pushing it pal. Let’s see you do it.” Stuart stood up again while Josh lay back on the bench, grasped the bar and began bench pressing the vast weight, his muscles rippling and curving under the strain.

“Tell you what,” said Stuart. “Let’s have a little competition. If I can bench press half of what you’re doing then you have to race me on the treadmill.”

Stuart knew that Josh hated running. He just wasn’t built for it anymore. Josh also knew he hated running, but he didn’t like to turn down a challenge.

“How long a race?”

“I dunno… let’s make it first one to a mile.”

Josh thought about this for a moment. A mile. That wasn’t too far. His power should be able to get him through it. And anyway, he wasn’t convinced that Stuart would be able to lift even half of what he had just been shifting. Josh began to unload the bar, removing weight after weight, until it was down to the right load.

“Go on then Stick Boy. Lets see what you’ve got.”

Stuart got back on the bench, while Josh and Steve – one of Josh’s training buddies – held the bar. He gritted his teeth as he got hold of the weight, the bar pressing against his chest, and pushed with everything he had. It felt like all his joints were going to rupture, but to his and everyone else’s surprise he managed to extend his arms and hold the weight there long enough for Josh to position it back on to the rack.

“Not bad,” said Josh. “You could do alright with a bit of commitment.”

Stuart wiped the sweat off his face and stood up, feeling ridiculously tired for just one lift, but also ridiculously pleased with himself.

“OK partner. That’s my side of the deal done – now if you would be so kind as to make your way to the treadmill…”

Word of the challenge had spread and a small crowd began to gather around the two of them as they got on to the machines. Stuart was still puffing from lifting that weight but he felt very confident about being able to beat Josh at this game while Josh was smiling awkwardly – he knew that this was probably not going to be very pretty. Steve began to get people cheering and clapping as the treadmills started to turn. Josh had no idea how long this was going to last, but Stuart knew exactly what he was doing. Many times over the summer he had set himself this challenge. This was the first time he had done it with a crowd watching, but he knew the pace he could sustain, and rapidly cranked up the speed. At first Josh tried to keep with him, but time seemed to be slowing down, every second felt like a minute, and every minute like an hour. His eyes fogged and the blood roared in his ears. It was agony. Only three minutes had gone and Josh felt he could go no further, when out of the corner of a bleary eye he saw Claire. “Damn it,” he thought and started to push on faster, huge arms pumping, sweat flying. Losing to Stuart was one thing, but being humiliated in front of that girl again would be too much. Still, everything seemed to be happening in slow motion – the movement of his limbs, the sound of the other guys clapping, Claire’s face swimming before him.

Then suddenly there was a shout and someone pressed the Stop button on Josh’s machine. As it slowed he collapsed to his knees, fearful he might throw up. To his right he could see Stuart also gasping for breath, but looking triumphant.

“5:45 big boy,” wheezed Stuart. “5.45!”

When at last Josh managed to regain his feet and look at the readout he was disappointed but not surprised to find he had only managed to cover just over half a mile. He sat back on the treadmill, eyes shut, just trying to breathe.

“Would you like some water, Josh?”

Josh looked up. It was Claire.

30

2008-12-10T14:20:00.001Z

“You’re doing great Jack. I’m so impressed by the way you and Sharon are helping those kids.”

Pastor Mark pushed his chair back and put his feet up on the desk. The room was full of books, the desk, a couple of chairs, and not much else. Jack liked visiting Mark in this den. It was somehow comforting and reassuring. All those books seemed to make the place warmer, and at times it was almost as if Jack could feel the shelves leaning in towards him, as if the thousands of volumes were trying to listen in on the conversation, and offer some advice of their own. Often Mark would get off his chair, go to a shelf and pull something down. It was a rare visit on which Jack left without a book and a cheerful warning to make sure he read it – and then brought it back!

Mark wasn’t much older than Jack, but just that bit more experienced to make a difference. And Jack felt he could trust him. He knew Mark would be straight with him, ask him the tough questions, and be honest about himself. They tended to bump into each other on a regular basis, but also had these scheduled times to review the youth and student ministry at the church. Often though they would spend far longer talking about their own lives – their wives and kids, what was going well, what temptations they were facing. Jack admired Mark, was happy to be led by him. And for Mark’s part, Jack was in his top team.

“You know, you and I weren’t that different from Stuart a few years ago.”

“Tell me about it,” said Jack. “That’s what I keep saying to him – its not like I don’t understand what he’s going through. We’ve all been there.”

“I remember when Alicia and myself first hooked up,” mused Mark. “Man, I was so hot and horny I thought my trousers would burst. There’s nothing quite like it is there. Anyway, we were both blessed with having good friends who looked out for us, and by being old enough to get married pretty quickly. And I think Alicia’s old man would have killed me if I’d messed things up!”

Jack laughed. “Yeah, there’s nothing quite so successful in maintaining a girls virginity as a 250 pound father with a shotgun! But that’s Kate’s problem – she’s never had a good man to look out for her. Its not surprising that she feels so strongly about Stuart – he is a good man, who could look after her. He just needs to keep his lust in check for a while.”

“I love Alicia’s dad, you know,” continued Mark. “He was such a great father to his kids, a brilliant role model for me. That’s what you and I need to be too – and not just for our own kids but for the likes of Kate and Stuart. And you know what, I think that’s just what you are. You and Sharon can be the making of them.”

It was funny how much Jack liked hearing Mark say this kind of thing. It wasn’t exactly as though he lacked self-confidence, but it always felt good to get his pastors approval. He knew it wasn’t given cheaply.

“What’s the next step in your strategy?” asked Mark.

Jack thought for a moment, scanning the shelves of books.

“I think the key thing is not so much what I do but what Stuart and God do.”

Mark nodded, waiting for Jack to continue.

“I think what Stuart needs is a real blitz from God. He knows all the stuff, been around church all his life, believes it too. But the thought of Kate’s butt has suddenly become far more real to him. He needs a fresh encounter with Jesus. He needs to get it, that Jesus is the most precious prize in life, and not worth giving up for anything else. If he can just get that priority order right, he and Kate will do just fine.”

“Well, we’d better pray about that,” said Mark.

This was how their times together invariably ended. On their knees, calling out to God, with all those books looking on in silent witness.

Intermission

2008-10-13T18:40:00.000+01:00

Hi there - Matt here.

I'm afraid there is going to be a bit of a break in the story here - completely out of time to write any more for a week or three. Keep checking back though!

29

2008-10-12T19:27:00.001+01:00

Just then Stuart walked in, saw the girls and came over to them, smiling broadly.

“Hi there ladies. What are you talking about – like I can’t guess!”

“Actually Stuart,” began Kate, “Claire was just telling me about…”

Claire interrupted her, “Kate was saying something about elephants – any idea what she’s on about?”

“Yeah I do. Though it’s a bit personal... So Kate, you haven’t told her all about it yet then?”

“No I haven’t. I wasn’t quite sure how to put it – and then I got interested in what Claire was telling me about Josh.”

“Kate! You weren’t meant to say anything about that!” Claire was blushing.

“Josh? What about him?” quizzed Stuart.

The girls looked at each other for a moment, and then Claire – with a ‘oh-what-the-hell’ type sigh – told Stuart the story.

“I can’t believe it,” he exclaimed when she was done. “Although I suppose I can see why you might appeal to Josh – with you being so into having the perfect body and everything.”

“I am not so into having the perfect body!” Claire sounded indignant. “I just like to look after myself.”

“Yeah, by drinking frappachinos,” laughed Stuart. “Don’t take offense – it should have been a compliment. You’re a good looking girl.”

“Hey!” said Kate. “Watch where your eyes are going!”

Stuart laughed again. “Don’t worry about that gorgeous – I’ve only got eyes for one woman.

“Do you want me to talk to him about it? I know him pretty well.”

“Well… I don’t know. What do you think? I don’t want him to think I’ve sent you to ask questions. But if it happened to come up in conversation…”

“Sure – leave it with me. I’m well known for my tact and discretion!”

Kate rolled her eyes. Man she looked good when she did that.

“Anyway,” Stuart continued, his eyes on Kate, “Shall we tell her about the elephants?”

“Oh please do – anything but talking about Josh.”

28

2008-10-11T13:25:00.001+01:00

The next day Kate’s head was still full of the previous evenings conversation. Jack and Sharon had completely demolished and then rebuilt her ideas about marriage.

She and Claire sat next to one another on the sofa in the coffee shop, people watching. They’d been friends for years, always gone to the same school, but over the past few months they’d got really close. Kate found Claire completely genuine. That was the reason she had agreed to go the Claire’s church that first time. She knew Claire wasn’t trying to manipulate her for something. Of course, Claire had been thrilled when Kate agreed to come, and even more excited that morning when Kate made a response to Jesus. She’d prayed for it a long time.

But this morning both girls were quieter than normal.

Claire took a sip of her mocha frappachino, paused, then spoke.

“Kate – you know Josh… Josh from the gym?”

“Uh-huh,” replied Kate, not much interested.

“Well… you won’t believe this but he made a pass at me yesterday.”

“Never!” Kate’s attention was suddenly focused. “What happened? What did you do?”

Claire explained the strange encounter at the gym, Kate listening intently.

“What a loser! He must have known he didn’t stand a chance with you.”

Claire stiffened slightly. “What’s that supposed to mean? Its not like I’m allergic to men or something.”

“Oh no, I didn’t mean anything like that – its just that, well you know, everyone knows you don’t really do the boy thing. Got that wrong again. Sorry. I mean – well you’re focused. You’re… you’re pure.”

“Thanks Kate! Don’t worry, I know what you’re trying to say. It was pretty weird though. Have you seen the size of his muscles – can you imagine being hugged by that…! Actually, that’s not such a bad thought – Oh, I can’t believe I just said that. For the record I DO NOT FANCY HIM!”

Both girls slumped back in the sofa, giggling.

“Seriously though Kate, it freaked me out. He’s quite a scary guy you know. I’m not sure I want to go back to the gym and risk running into him again, but if I just drink these things and don’t workout I’ll end up looking like an elephant.”

A strange look came across Kate’s face and she stopped laughing.

“What is it? What did I say?”

Kate put her cup down and turned towards her friend.

“I don’t know where to start really. It was just you saying ‘elephant’ like that – it reminded me of something that Jack said last night.”

“Why’s Jack been talking to you about elephants? Normally its babies or Jesus or sports.”

“Well… actually he kind of was talking about all those things, but it all ended with an elephant.”

27

2008-10-10T19:23:00.001+01:00

Jack wanted this to be really clear, because he knew it could easily be really complicated. Talking about sex producing children was fairly straightforward. And explaining why faithfulness matters was ok. But now he wanted to talk about something much less ‘solid’ although it was probably even more important. It was something he hadn’t even properly understood when he married Sharon. He knew he loved her, knew they were good together, so he asked her, she said “Yes!” and that was it. Simple. It was only once they had been married a while, and listening to Pastor Mark’s teaching that he had begun to get it. Then he thought of a good story…

“I read this newspaper report once about a couple who had just got married and went on their honeymoon to Africa. They were out in the bush, doing the safari thing, and where they were staying there were lots of elephants. For some reason, one of these elephants got a bit nasty and charged at the woman. But her husband put himself between the elephant and his wife. He lived, but he got a bit messed up. I remember him saying something like, ‘I had to do it – I’d gladly die in her place, I love her so much.’ Pretty neat story, huh?!”

“It is a good story,” agreed Kate. “Every woman would like her man to act like that. But what’s it got to do with sex?”

Jack smiled to himself. The fish had swallowed his hook.

Jack picked up the Bible that lay close by, passed it to Kate, and said, “Read that, would you?”

Kate saw the highlighted verses in the book of Ephesians, and read out loud:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no-one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Kate finished and looked up at Jack, who said, “Do you see how Jesus is like that guy who stood in front of an elephant to save his wife?”

“I’m not sure I do. I’m not sure I understand what its saying.”

“I think I do,” broke in Stuart. “I’ve heard that passage read at enough weddings. What it means is that Jesus wasn’t afraid to die for his people, and husbands shouldn’t be afraid to die for their wives.”

“That’s right,” said Jack. “Jesus’ attitude towards his church gives us the ultimate model for the relationship between husbands and wives. It shows us what marriage should be like.”

“OK, I get that, but what about the sex?!”

“I was getting to that Stuart! Its like this, in Christ’s relation to the church we see a complete and total giving. Jesus gave himself for the church – he went to the cross for her; he sacrificed himself for her. This then is the model for human marriage – it is about sacrifice. This is very different from how people often approach relationships. Our culture conditions us to think about ourselves and our own happiness and rights – my right to sex, for instance. Sex as sport. But Jesus teaches us to sacrifice. That might not mean dying on a cross or getting trampled by an elephant, but it is pretty extreme. Sacrifice is absolute. It is life and death. It is an unconditional giving of ourselves to our marriage partner.”

Kate thought about how things had been for her mum. No-one had ever given themselves unconditionally to her. No-one had ever been prepared to really sacrifice themselves for her. Suddenly Kate was crying.

Sharon came over to Kate and put an arm over her shoulder. “I want that Sharon. I want someone to sacrifice themselves for me. I want to be with someone who would stand in front of an elephant for me. I don’t want someone who’s going to be an elephant and trample all over me.”

“And that’s what you deserve,” soothed Sharon. “That’s how its meant to be. That’s God’s plan for you.”

26

2008-10-09T19:22:00.001+01:00

Kate rolled her eyes.

Stuart liked it when she did that. It made her look, well, sexy.

“Does God really care that much?!” she said. “I mean, hasn’t he got enough to worry about, what with all the wars and earthquakes and stuff going on in the world. What’s the big deal?”

“But don’t you see it Kate,” replied Sharon. “God does care. He sweats the big stuff and the little stuff. And sex is big stuff. Sex isn’t just about you and Stuart, its about how six billion people on this planet treat one another. God created sex. He blessed sex. But you need to try and grasp the huge divide between what was blessed by God at the beginning and what we see all around us now. Since you started coming to church you’ve met God haven’t you? You’ve met Jesus. What is it that Jesus has done for you?”

Kate thought it over for a moment. When Sharon had asked her a question like this the other day the best she had been able to come up with was “God is love.” But what did that mean? That day when she had gone to the front of the church to say she wanted to know more about Jesus it had felt like a burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She had felt better – lighter. Pastor Mark often talked about Jesus lifting burdens off people. He called Jesus “the Savior.” At first Kate hadn’t much liked the sound of that. Why did she need saving? She didn’t feel particularly lost. But over the months it had begun to make more sense. She’d begun to understand that Jesus really did want to save her, and that she needed saving – saving from making the same mistakes her parents had, saving from all the stupid stuff she had already done, saving from a world that so often felt dark and dangerous and pain-filled.

“He’s saved me,” Kate blurted out, more surprised than anyone else that she had said it.

Sharon beamed. “That’s right Kate. He is the Savior. And there are few other things which indicate to us so strongly our need of a savior than sex. Humankind needs rescuing! We need redeeming. Sex needs redeeming. Sex causes a hell of a mess in this world, but we Christians have a message of God’s blessing upon sex. We have a message about sex that teaches joyful self-control to the single; happy sexual love in marriage; deliverance from sexual obsession; something positive about children and family life. We’ve got a message in which there is forgiveness for the sinner and redemption for us all in Christ Jesus. God really does care about you, and that includes caring about who you sleep with, and when you sleep with them.

“Sermon over!”

“Actually, its not quite over,” said Jack. “We need to get on with telling you the third reason why sex is only for marriage.”

25

2008-10-08T19:21:00.000+01:00

“First off,” said Jack, “Talking about sex can be just plain embarrassing.”

“Funny – I hadn’t noticed that being a problem of yours,” snorted Stuart. “You seem pretty relaxed about talking about everyone else’s love life.”

“Yeah, well believe it or not, sometimes it feels like I have to push the boundaries a bit just to get the confidence to say anything,” replied Jack. “Believe me, it would be much easier not to say anything. It would be much easier just to imagine that everyone who comes to church is living a perfect life and that all these things can be left in private. It would be much easier to pretend that our society isn’t completely screwed up over sex and just forget the whole thing. But that’s not how it is. We have to talk about it because its so important, but its not always easy.”

Stuart could feel himself getting embarrassed now, and kept his mouth shut. Jack went on…

“You see, the problem is that the normal message we receive about sex from our culture is that it is the surest way to human freedom and happiness. But the reality of human experience is that this is often far from being the case. Take you two as a case in point – you’re red-hot and horny so why not just get shagging and be happy?”

Kate made as if to reply but then thought better of it.

“Because although it would make you happy in some ways, I think there’s something in you that knows it wouldn’t be quite right – there would be something a bit dodgy about it. It might actually end up making you unhappy.”

“So sex makes me unhappy because I want it but can’t have it?” said Stuart. “That’s hardly news Jack. If that’s your definition of ‘unhappy’ then I have been completely pissed off since I was 13!”

“I understand that Stuart,” said Jack. “But your sexual frustration has only been one aspect of your experience growing up – its not the whole picture. In the end you know that you can be happy without screwing it up for dodgy sex.”

Sharon took up the argument. “You only have to push it a bit further Stuart to see how much pain sex causes. Think about the misery of the man who is hooked on internet porn and feels a terrible guilt about his inability to stop connecting to it.”

“That’s right,” said Jack. “I know married men for whom this is causing misery. They know by looking at porn they are in effect defiling their wives, and it is negatively affecting their sex life. Its hard to make love to your wife – and I mean love, not just sex – when your head is full of images of other women. And I know single guys whose porn addiction is having a devastating effect on how they think about women and relate to them.”

“I don’t really see what this has got to do with me and Stuart,” said Kate. “We feel attracted to one another, we’re old enough to know what we want and to be responsible about it. We’re not doing anyone any harm – just having some fun. What’s so dangerous about that?”

“The point we’re trying to make,” went on Sharon, “is that sex outside its proper boundaries causes all sorts of problems. Sure, you guys could go off now, ignore everything we’ve said, get naked, and get to it. It might be the best experience of your lives, or you might just think, ‘what was all the fuss about?’ You might feel guilty about it, or it might not bother you at all. But big picture – sex is screwing up our culture. Just look at all the broken hearts, unwanted pregnancies and abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, prostitution, rape, child abuse… Lump that lot together and sex looks more of a curse than a blessing. Lots of stuff gets blamed for the unhappiness of mankind – sickness, poverty, crime, war, drugs, religion… but there is actually a strong case that sex is the single greatest cause of misery to humankind.”

“And most important of all,” interrupted Jack, “Sex outside marriage is just plain offensive to God.”

24

2008-10-05T19:23:00.001+01:00

“Sounds like you guys have been having an interesting time!” breezed Jack. “I thought I told you to keep your hands off her Stuart!”

Stuart winced. Jack’s bluntness was one thing when it was just the two of them, but in front of Sharon and Kate…

Suddenly Jack was serious. “What were you playing at Stuart? After our talk the previous day I can’t believe that you would behave like that. I thought you respected me, and to be honest, I thought you’d have more respect for Kate.”

Kate’s hackles were up now. “Back off Jack! We don’t have to be here at all. You need to show us some respect as well.”

Sharon stepped in to diffuse the tension. “Jack and Stuart can have it out together later on if they want to, but as the four of us are together now lets try and stay friends and talk about the things we’re meant to be talking about.”

“Okay,” said Jack, “Look, I’m sorry Kate, but Stuart and I go back a long way, and we don’t normally pull any punches. Where shall we start?”

“Sharon was going to tell me why sex is dangerous,” said Kate, scowling at Jack.

“Well, that’s as good a place to start as any,” replied Jack. “Lets make it clear though that we’re not prudes. Its not that we don’t like sex. Personally, I can’t get enough of it! Its just that we think sex works best in marriage. And outside of marriage… yes, I do think it can be dangerous.”

“Go on then,” said Kate. “We’re listening.”

23

2008-10-04T19:22:00.001+01:00

Stuart felt nervous about seeing Kate. They had arranged to meet at Starbucks again, but he didn’t have the same sense of anticipation as he had two days earlier.

She had got there before him, and Stuart spotted her before she saw him. For a moment he stood staring at her, taking in every curve and line. She was looking fantastic. His mouth went dry again as he thought about how forty-eight hours earlier his hand had been inside her t-shirt. Then she turned her head, saw him, smiled, and he walked to the table where she was sitting.

“Hi,” said Stuart, rather lamely.

“Hi you,” she said back, not smiling now.

A long pause.

“Look, about the other day, I’m sorry…” he began.

“Oh, don’t worry about it.”

There was another uncomfortable pause.

“Kate – I really like you. I mean really like you. And I really liked what we were doing. Its just that… oh I don’t know. Jack’s sure got a lot to answer for!”

“Tell me about it! Sharon was letting me have it big time yesterday as well.”

They were holding hands now, and Kate was smiling again. That amazing smile, with those green eyes.

“Its not nice to walk out on a girl like that Stuart,” she said gently. “I felt so embarrassed.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Hey, lets get some coffee.”

As they sat sipping their skinny latte’s, it started getting easier to talk again. Stuart tried to explain all that Jack had said to him and how reaching for a condom had made it all suddenly so real. Kate listened intently, sometimes nodding, sometimes frowning.

When he had finished, Kate went over her conversation with Sharon.

“Jack told me he had three reasons why we shouldn’t have sex. Sounds like Sharon gave you the second one. What do you think? Are they making any sense?”

“I think I can see some sense in it, at least understand some of the argument, but I’m not convinced yet. You?”

Stuart smiled, and squeezed her hand, “Well I know what I feel, and that’s that I would like to get some more practice undoing your bra! We’d better get going though – check the time. I’m not much looking forward to this…”

22

2008-10-03T19:21:00.000+01:00

The porn stream was back on.

Why had he made a fool of himself with Claire like that? Josh knew she was part of the God-squad and not likely to jump straight into bed with him. He didn’t like being told “No” – it didn’t feel good. The porn never said “no.” But the porn wasn’t quite enough. Truth was, he felt lonely. And sometimes he just felt a pit of a perv, sitting here staring at the screen and wanking. Sometimes he felt so angry and so lonely Josh thought about just going and taking a girl off the street, using her and throwing her away – he was strong enough. But that thought scared him. How could he even think like that?

It wasn’t like he was looking for love or anything. That was far too complicated. But there had been something about Claire that had attracted him. Something beyond physical looks – although she didn’t look bad.

It was all too complicated, and complicated was not good.

Josh picked up his kit bag and headed for the gym. Pushing weights wasn’t complicated. The weights didn’t demand anything of him – they just had to be shifted. And that was how Josh liked it.

21

2008-10-02T19:20:00.000+01:00

Claire sat in her room mentally replaying the previous days encounter with Josh. It had really taken her by surprise when he came up to her like that. They’d known each other for a while, but only from a distance, never really spoken. She knew that Stuart would hang out with Josh sometimes, and she was part of the crowd that Stuart was part of, but the two crowds somehow never really met. It was mainly a church and non-church thing.

Anyway, having a coke together was one thing but when Josh made a pass at her that was really the limit. It had freaked her out. Scared her even. Claire had never even kissed anyone properly and she certainly had no plans to get intimate with the likes of Josh. All the same, she couldn’t help feeling somewhat sorry for him. For all his apparent confidence and muscle there seemed something vulnerable about him. And the worst of it was she wasn’t sure now if she wanted to go back to the gym and risk running into him again. And that was no good because she loved to workout.

Claire decided she’d have to talk it over with Sharon.

20

2008-10-01T09:19:00.000+01:00

“But Kate, it does! How long have you been coming to church now?”

“A year or so I guess,” answered Kate.

“And what have you learnt about God in that time?” asked Sharon.

Kate thought for a moment. She’d sat through quite a few sermons over the past year, and often met with a small group talking about God stuff. Pastor Mark told some funny stories when he preached, and he seemed to be genuine. A couple of times it had really felt as if he was speaking straight to her at church. Once she had even gone to the front of the church when Mark had asked if anyone wanted to get to really know Jesus. It had been scary, but had also felt good. But that was a few months back, and since then Stuart had taken up more of her thinking than Jesus. She wasn’t sure what Sharon was after, and didn’t want to be called an idiot again.

“I don’t know really… God is love?”

“Well that pretty much sums it all up,” agreed Sharon. “But the thing I want you to see is that part of God being love is that he is faithful. Throughout the bible we see the relationship between God and his people described as one in which God is faithful, even if often his people are not. It was true in the Old Testament when God was faithful to the people of Israel, and its true now in the way God is faithful to his people – the Church.”

“So… Because God is faithful, you want to be faithful to Jack?”

“That’s it Kate! Nailed it again!”

Sharon went on, “It is God’s example of faithfulness that Jack and I are trying to pursue in our marriage. And it doesn’t just affect our marriage – it starts there, but we then try and be faithful to our kids, and to our neighbors, to our friends, our church, the whole neighborhood.”

“But you’re still not being very clear,” said Kate. “What’s that got to do with not having sex with Jack until you were married?”

“Well, in a sense that’s easy to answer, but I don’t know if you’ll want to hear it. As far as I’m concerned it is only within marriage that there is a sure foundation for faithfulness. Faithless sex is a dangerous thing. So don’t have sex until you’ve walked down that aisle.”

Kate really liked Sharon. She liked Jack and their kids. But sometimes Sharon’s moral certainties got right up her nose.

“That’s a load of crap Sharon! You can’t go moralizing like that about sex. If two adults want to sleep together, why shouldn’t they? What’s dangerous about that?”

Sharon let Kate’s anger wash off her. “Why can’t I moralize Kate? We’re getting moralized at all the time, especially when it comes to our health: don’t smoke, eat less, exercise more, drink less, eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day… The thing is, I reckon faithless sex can be more destructive to human health and happiness than any of those other things. So why shouldn’t I say: ‘Be faithful in marriage; it is good for your health!’”

Kate looked sullenly at Sharon. “Go on then. Prove to me why sex is bad for my health.”

Just then Betsy started crying in the bedroom above them. Sharon glanced up. “Sorry Kate, this will have to wait. You’re welcome to hang around and help with the kids, but we won’t be able to talk too much about sex! Why don’t you and Stuart come round tomorrow night and Jack and I can talk with you both.”

What the hell, thought Kate. She had nothing to lose.

19

2008-09-29T19:13:00.000+01:00

Sharon laughed. “No you idiot, it means being faithful. Its something you promise someone else and once you’ve promised it, you can’t take it back.”

“You’ve lost me Sharon. No one makes promises like that, except little kids – ‘cross my heart and hope to die…’ – I don’t see what you’re getting at.”

“Well that would be because there isn’t much fidelity in our culture these days. We don’t have many good role-models.”

Sharon could see that Kate was ready to hear what she had to say, but this was so difficult to get across. How did she explain fidelity to someone who thought it meant a type of music player?

“Look at it this way,” Sharon began, “A characteristic of our culture and of our approach to sex is that we are a very selfish generation. Turn on the TV, open your celebrity magazines, and what do they say? We view sex as a sport, something which is for our benefit and enjoyment rather than being about a total giving of ourselves to someone else. Sex has become all about self-expression.”

“But I wasn’t just feeling selfish Sharon. I really care about Stuart, I think he’s a special guy. Its not like I was planning on just using him and then kicking him out!”

“I’m sure you’re right Kate. I’m not denying you’ve got feelings for Stuart. I’m just trying to explain why I think you might have acted like you did, and why Jack and me did it differently.”

Sharon knew she only had a few minutes left before the kids took over, and she didn’t seem to be making much progress.

“Let’s try again,” she went on, “Would you agree, from watching TV and reading magazines and observing your friends parents, that more often than not sex seems to be more about pleasuring yourself than pleasing someone else?”

Kate half nodded, unsure where Sharon was going with this.

“Well that’s not how it should be. That’s not how the bible tells us it should be.”

Kate began to laugh. “Get real Sharon. You’re not going to try and tell me that the bible has got anything about my sex life in it!”

18

2008-09-28T19:12:00.000+01:00

“Kate?” Sharon asked, “What’s your experience of marriage?”

“Nice idea, but it sucks!” Kate shot back.

“Why do you say that? Is it your mum?”

“Yeah – obviously. Mum was married, but he was a tosser, and now she’s living with another tosser – doesn’t seem to make much difference does it?”

Sharon frowned. “Have you ever seen a happy marriage Kate? A marriage your thought looked good?”

“Well, I guess you and Jack have things pretty well sorted. And some of the other people at church look happy enough. My uncle Jim and aunty Maria have been married for ever, and they’re okay, but most of my friends parents don’t seem very happy – especially the married ones!”

“I agree. It’s a mess,” said Sharon. “But in those glimmers of light – you’re aunt and uncle, me and Jack – what is it you like?”

Kate blew her nose again and looked around the room where they were sitting. It was a bit of a mess to be honest. Toys everywhere, family pictures hanging lopsidedly on the walls, and the skirting board could do with painting. But, somehow, it felt like home.

“I like the way you guys are real together. Its like this room – its not exactly a picture in one of those lifestyle magazines, but it works.”

“Well thanks for back-handed compliment kid! But I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.” Sharon smiled, “Its not perfect, but it does work. The trouble is that too often what we’re looking for is the picture from the lifestyle magazine – the perfect wedding day with the perfect dress and perfect cake and perfect flowers; the perfect house; perfect kids; perfect sex. But real life isn’t like that. You have to handle the messy stuff in real life.”

“So… what’s that got to do with you and Jack not sleeping together until you got married?”

“What its got to do with what can be summed up in one word: Fidelity.”

Kate wasn’t getting it. “What’s that? A type of iPod?”

17

2008-09-27T19:11:00.000+01:00

“You’re not going to get much sympathy from me Kate.”

Sharon was wiping food from Martha’s chin as the baby gurgled and squawked, her face covered in the red tomato sauce of kiddies spaghetti.

Kate had spent the evening in tears, hidden away from her mum and Alan. The next day Sharon’s had seemed the obvious place to go. But she had been hoping for a rather different response than this. Now Sharon seemed to be looking at her with a mixture of humor and rebuke in her eyes.

“I think you were lucky to get away with nothing but a fumble up your t-shirt. What were you thinking – egging him on like that anyway?”

Kate started to feel defensive. “I wasn’t egging him on – he wanted it as well. He’d brought condoms with him! I thought we were ready. It just seemed right. I thought you’d understand… What was it Jack had said to him anyway?”

Kate’s voice trailed off and she began to cry again.

Sharon took Martha out of the highchair and sat her down with some toys, grabbed a box of tissues and put her arm around Kate’s shoulder.

“I understand it alright Kate. You don’t need to think I haven’t been there. Before Jack and I were married it was all we could do to keep our hands off each other.”

Kate sniffed and wiping her eyes with a tissue asked, “So did you? Did you keep your hands off each other?”

“Yeah, most of the time we did. Sure, we got a bit carried away a couple of times, but after that we made a promise to one another, and to some friends of ours, that nothing like that was going to happen until after we got married.”

“Why? I don’t really get it Sharon. Especially if you knew you wanted to get married anyway.”

Sharon thought for a moment and smiled, more to herself than at Kate. “Well the marriage thing is the reason really. I wanted to walk up that aisle knowing that as well as Jack and I knew one another some of the most important stuff about both of us was still waiting to be revealed. I wanted him to be imagining what was under my dress rather than having already seen it all.”

Kate could feel herself getting angry again. “That sounds nice – real fairy-tale-princess nice. But not very realistic. How did you know that once he got the dress off you he would like what he saw?! It might have been better to experiment beforehand – safer.”

“I understand you feeling like that Kate. And if all it had been was the pretty dress and romance I don’t think it would actually have counted for much. That’s why it was about our marriage more than the wedding.”

“What do you mean?”

Sharon sat back on the sofa. Martha was happy playing – for now – but soon Betsy would wake up from her afternoon nap, and then it would be time to collect Luke from school. At most she had about twenty minutes to try and explain something of incredible importance to the girl sitting opposite her. How should she put it?

16

2008-09-26T19:11:00.000+01:00

“Of course, I could just leave,” Claire thought to herself as she got changed. It wasn’t like she owed Josh anything. But Claire was too kind-hearted for that. She couldn’t bear to let people down – even someone like Josh. “Who knows,” she muttered to herself, “Maybe this is something that Jesus wants me to do.”

15

2008-09-25T19:09:00.001+01:00

Claire had never much liked Josh. He seemed to be trying a bit too hard. She could see him now, straining under the pressure of some impossible weight, a couple of other guys cheering him on. Claire’s legs whirred around on the bike. She liked the gym, liked her body feeling good, but the likes of Josh made her uncomfortable. And some of the other girls… they didn’t seem to be here so much to work out as make out – all the right gear but not much sweat.

Claire slowed the cadence down and wiped the sweat off her face, got a drink and moved on to the rowing machine. This was her favorite – a total body workout. Ten minutes of this and she would call it a day.

“Hi there.”

Claire looked up. “O, Hi Josh,” she said, without enthusiasm.

Josh looked intently at her. Claire was feeling uncomfortable now, and stopped rowing.

“Everything OK Josh?” she asked. “Do you want to use this ergo?”

Claire got up from the rowing machine and made to head towards the locker room.

“Hang on Claire – I’m not after the ergo. Think I might break it!” Josh laughed, and Claire felt herself shudder involuntarily.

“I was wondering if you want to go for a drink… if you’ve finished your workout.”

Claire stood still, this wasn’t what she had been expecting. She tried to say something but before she could get the words out Josh was heading for the shower saying “Good, see you in a few minutes then,” over his shoulder. Despite herself Claire swore under her breath. Great, this was going to be interesting.

14

2008-09-23T15:16:00.000+01:00

Stuart slammed the car door shut and raced home, his head and heart pounding.

He masturbated and felt the familiar waves of relief and guilt.

Suddenly Stuart’s eyes welled with tears and he threw himself facedown on his bed, fists in his mouth.

“Oh God! Oh Kate! Oh Jesus!”

13

2008-09-18T09:00:00.001+01:00

Stuart and Kate walked down to the river and sat on the same bench as the previous day. It felt just as good.

Kate draped her legs over Stuart’s lap and they deep kissed.

“Shall we go back to my house for a bit?” Kate suggested. “Mum and Alan will both be out at work and won’t be back for ages.”

Stuart didn’t need any further encouragement.

As they lay on Kate’s bed Stuart fumbled with her bra strap and she laughed.

“Haven’t done that before have you?” she teased him. Kate rolled over and undid the clip herself.

Stuart leaned into her again, his hand moving up inside her t-shirt. She was amazing. This was amazing!

Suddenly he felt her pause. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing – its great! It was just… I was just wondering if you’ve got any condoms?”

“’Course I have,” and he patted the rear pocket of his jeans.

But just as he did so the previous evenings conversation with Jack came flooding back into Stuart’s brain. He groaned, rolled off the bed and stood up.

Now it was Kate’s turn to be concerned. “What’s the matter Stuart?”

“Oh, its just something Jack said to me last night. Something about sex and condoms and kids and God. It feels like my heads all messed up.”

Kate started pulling Stuart towards her again, but already he was putting on his trainers, pulling his t-shirt back on. And then – he wasn’t sure how or why – Stuart was walking out of Kate’s bedroom door.

“Stuart… Stuart! Where the hell are you going?”

12

2008-09-16T13:18:00.000+01:00

Josh finished his set, took a shower and headed for home. Once there he flicked the computer on and was immediately locked in. Only he had to go deeper now. It was like bench pressing. Three years ago he was pleased to push 60 pounds; now he was shifting 400. It was the same with the porn – time was when some simple nudity was enough to satisfy but he needed a lot more than that now. And there was a lot to be had.

Recently this had been how life had been. Go to the gym. Watch porn. Sure, there was that unfortunate interruption otherwise known as work, but Josh only did casual work and was pretty casual about it. At least life was simple that way. If he didn’t have to pay gym fees and the internet connection he wouldn’t bother to work at all. His mum covered pretty much everything else. A necessary evil was his mother. He tried to avoid her as much as possible – except when he needed some extra cash, when he could suddenly turn on the charm. Sometimes she complained he treated the house like a hotel, but truth was she liked having him around. Her life would be pretty empty without him.

It wasn’t ideal, but it would do. At least it wasn’t complicated.

11

2008-09-11T08:43:00.001+01:00

Kate was feeling good. She was looking good.

The full-length mirror in her bedroom didn’t lie – she was hot.

Kate put on her sexiest bra and knickers – just in case. Jeans, nice and tight around her butt, low on the hips. Funky t-shirt, with three inches of washboard belly showing. She was ready.

Kate was meeting Stuart in Starbucks again. And again, it felt just… just perfect. This was a really special guy.

Kate hadn’t been that lucky with men. Her dad had walked out on her and her mum when she was only five, and she had hardly seen him since. Her mum had had a few boyfriends over the years, but most of them were losers and didn’t stick around long. So Kate and her mum had stuck to one another. They were more like sisters than mother and daughter really. And sometimes Kate felt like she was more the mother in the relationship anyway – the one who had to be strong. She’d had to grow up fast.

Then, a year or two back mum had met Alan, and a few months later he moved in. Kate didn’t much like Alan. Didn’t like having to share the house with him. But he seemed to make mum happy, and that was the most important thing.

About the same time that Alan appeared Kate had begun going to church. “Always knew you were weird!” joked some of her friends, but Kate had found there something that she hadn’t found anywhere else.

At first she had gone for a laugh. Claire had asked her to hear a band that were playing in the church. Kate went expecting it all to be crap, and cheesy beyond belief. But it wasn’t too bad. Some of the people were actually quite cool, especially Jack and Sharon. Jack wasn’t like the losers mum brought home, wasn’t like Alan. And Sharon was amazing.

Some of the stuff they talked about freaked Kate out, but she had always believed there was something spiritual “out there” and church seemed to be helping her to make sense of these feelings. She had even begun to think that maybe all this Jesus stuff could be true.

But recently, the thing that had been best about church was Stuart. And now she had kissed him. And she was about to kiss him again. And then… Well, she’d have to see how she felt, wouldn’t she. But it was probably about time she did something about this virginity thing.

10

2008-09-09T15:42:00.001+01:00

The music in the gym was pumping.

Josh paused for air between heavy sets and looked up at the screen – at the girls in the hot pants and bikinis gyrating around another identikit rapper. They looked much better than the girls in the gym. Sure that one over there was pretty cute. What was her name? Claire or something? But even she wasn’t quite so buff as the girls on the screen.

Josh picked up the weight again and looked back to the mirror – now there was something to look at! He had really packed out some muscle the past couple of years. Three years ago he wouldn’t have believed the weight he was now shifting and what it had done to his body. Josh grunted and heaved the weight up, admiring the way his chest flexed as he did so. He was big. No doubt about it. It was all about the look and he was looking good. Still, he wasn’t quite perfect yet. There was room for more bulk, and for more definition. There was still work to be done.

Lifting weights had become an addiction for Josh. He needed the rush of endorphins, needed the pain, the challenge – needed to lift more this week than he had last week. And he needed the looks. People never used to look at him; now they all did. Yeah, sometimes it caused trouble – those guys who thought they’d face him up – but it was worth it.

The last fight had been a short one. The guy was so drunk he couldn’t throw a straight punch and Josh had simply swallowed him up in a head lock. Nearly suffocated the dude. Josh had enjoyed the feeling of power.

What Josh wanted was the perfect body. He wanted to be looked at – admired – feared. Josh wanted perfection.

Perfection like those girls on the screen. Why couldn’t the girls in the gym look like that? There was always something wrong with them – a blob of cellulite, a birth mark, a broken vein, a misshapen nose. And they were so complicated. Always talk and talk and talk and emotions and needs. Josh had enjoyed sleeping with the girls he’s slept with but there always seemed so much extra hassle – all he wanted was some sex. The girls on the screen were different – perfect bodies, no emotions to deal with, no complexity.

That’s why Josh loved porn so much. It was so simple… so perfect.

9

2008-09-04T09:40:00.001+01:00

“An interesting concept my friend…! Lets just pretend – for arguments sake – that I agree with you. What’s the deal with marriage in all this?”

Jack picked up the bible again and turned back to Genesis 1. “What do you think the point of this is? What’s going on here between God and Adam and Eve?”

Stuart frowned. “Well, again just for arguments sake, lets pretend I buy all that Genesis stuff. I guess what is going on is a marriage. God is marrying Adam and Eve and telling them to go off and have kids together. The perfect little family.”

“I think you’re right Stuart. What the bible describes is the man and woman being joined together in ‘one flesh’. Being one flesh must include having sex. And sex must be open to the possibility of achieving the end for which sex is intended – children.”

Jack went on, “When God joined Adam and Eve together it was a bit like he was starting to build a house – what we would call community. Joining Adam and Eve together was the first building blocks – the foundation – of community. It was a community that was meant to grow, and it grew by having children. That first marriage provided the pattern for all subsequent marriages – marriage is meant to grow community, and it does so by producing children. So my first answer to our question of why shouldn’t you have sex with Kate is because sex is meant to produce children, and the clear biblical expectation is that children will be born to those who are married.”

“I can see your point,” said Stuart. “And I think it sucks! But you said you had three reasons why I shouldn’t be working out my stud potential. What are next two?”

“We’ll do those another time. In the meanwhile, go home and think about this conversation. Oh yeah, and keep your hands off those tits!”

8

2008-09-02T13:44:00.001+01:00

Jack sighed. “That’s right Stuart, the Song of Songs. It’s a love poem from Solomon to his bride, and some of it does get pretty graphic. But its all beautifully written, its not crude. Its certainly not ‘tits’!

“What else then? What have you learned from all those Sundays in church?”

Stuart looked blank. Already his mind was beginning to wander, to Kate and to Solomon’s Song…

“Stuart!” Jack pulled him back. “Let me help you here. The bible sees children as a gift from God and as a sign of his blessing. The very first blessing that God pronounced over mankind was a blessing over sex. And that’s all very different from what our society says, and from what your hormones are screaming about Kate. Here, look it up.”

Jack tossed Stuart a battered old bible.

“Look up Genesis 1:27-28.”

Stuart found the right page and read out loud:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number.”

“There it is,” said Jack. “God blesses sex – he blesses it because it is his way of filling the earth. You can’t read the bible honestly and come to any other conclusion than that God made sex, and he made it to make children.

“Try another verse. Look up Psalm 127:3.”

Stuart found the page and read, Children are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.

Jack leaned towards Stuart. “There you go. The bible is consistent in understanding children as a blessing. Kids are good, sex is good, but good sex is meant to produce kids. Its not just about getting your rocks off.”

Stuart laughed. “Yeah, but Jack, you’re not telling me you guys have only had sex three times! I bet you’re at it like rabbits and that means you must be wearing rubber most of the time. Or you’re shooting blanks.”

“I never said contraception is wrong. Sure Sharon and I have sex a lot more than just when we’re trying to get pregnant. We love sex, and its great to be able to do it without always worrying about having another baby. I think God gives us grace to make those kind of decisions. But the point I’m trying to make is that if sex is never allowed to result in children something is wrong. It goes against God’s plan, and it risks missing out on his blessing.

“Personally, I think contraception is itself a blessing, but the problem with it is that because contraception is now so freely available sex has largely come to be regarded as a sport. Sure, sex should be fun, but it is also meant to be about reproduction, and contraception has separated those two meanings.”

Stuart thought for a moment.

“So, what you’re saying is that because I have no intention of having kids with Kate I shouldn’t have sex with her.”

“That’s right – that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

7

2008-08-28T16:54:00.001+01:00

“Oh don’t be ridiculous!” said Stuart. “We don’t hate them – we worship them. Just look how crazy everyone goes if there’s a paedophile about, and all the Health and Safety rules there are now to stop kids from hurting themselves.”

“That’s true Stuart. But if we really love kids why are we having so few of them? Why do most people wait until they are in their thirties before having any at all?”

“Well, that’s easy – for the same reason I don’t want to have kids now. They’re a hassle. You can’t build a decent career, can’t travel the world if you’ve got kids to think about. And they cost a fortune – it must be better to only have one and be able to afford all the stuff you have to have than have three or four and be hard-up.”

“So kids get in the way, do they? They’re a hassle? They mess with your lifestyle. Doesn’t sound a very positive view of children does it?”

Jack took a long sip from his coffee and looked at the picture of Sharon, Luke, Betsy and Martha on the table next to him. Stuart followed his eye. He loved Jack and his family. Sharon was like a big sister to him and the kids were great. Wrestling on the floor with Luke was a highlight of his week – it was a moment when Stuart could forget the hassles of life and just enjoy being – being himself and being an adopted part of this family. It was true that having kids certainly hadn’t seemed to mess up Jack’s life.

“You know I love your kids Jack,” he said. “But not everyone manages to get everything together so well as you and Sharon have. And anyway, there’s no reason why you can’t have some fun, and then settle down, get married, have kids. I think that’s what most people want actually – it just doesn’t always work out like that.”

“No,” agreed Jack, “It doesn’t. But then that’s not surprising when our culture conditions us to make so many mistakes along the way. Yes, we live in a society that idolises children, that wraps them up in cotton wool and pours fancy trainers and electronic gizmos all over them. And at the same time children are seen as a burden, something that stops adults from doing all the things they want to do, in their careers and leisure activities.

“The biblical view is very different.”

“Amazing!” Stuart broke in. “It took you five minutes to mention the big gee and at least five more before you started the bible bashing. That’s got to be a record!”

“I appreciate your appreciation Stuart! But listen, it’s the bible that explains all this stuff to me. So, if you want to know what I think you’ve got to let me get the book out. What does the bible say about sex?”

“Don’t do it! But there is that fantastic bit somewhere in the Old Testament… what is it? Solomon’s Song or something. We found it one Sunday when the sermon was so boring that we started to read the bible for light relief! Its got loads of stuff about tits in it!”

6

2008-08-27T16:25:00.001+01:00

“My kid Luke,” said Jack, “How did he get here?”

“Jack – you need me to tell you?! I guess one night you and Sharon were feeling a bit horny and forgot the condoms.”

“That’s right Stuart – at least some of it! Sharon and I had sex and nine months later there was Luke. What about you Stuart, how did you get here?”

“That I do not want to think about!” laughed Stuart. “Let’s not go there – its just too horrible!”

“Okay, okay, but it proves the point. Its sex that gets us here. Sex is meant to make babies.

“Do you want kids, Stuart?”

Stuart thought for a moment. “Yeah, of course I do… one day. Not now though. Now I just want the sex part!”

“Well here goes mate, this is my first reason why you shouldn’t be having sex: Sex is meant to produce kids, and kids should be born to people who are married, so if you’re not married don’t have sex.”

Stuart thought about this for about five seconds, and then shot back at Jack, “You’ll have to do better than that. First off, sex doesn’t have to mean kids – use a condom, or go on the pill, or whatever. And second, there are loads of people who have kids and aren’t married, and they’re not all bad. You’re lumping together a load of stuff that can be kept separate.”

“I agree that that’s how it looks,” replied Jack, “But that’s why you need to hear the whole argument and not just the headline. You’re right that sex doesn’t have to mean kids – that’s obvious. All across the western world people are having less babies than they used to, and having them later in life, but I wouldn’t imagine that’s because they’re having less sex! I don’t think there are many 35 year-old virgins around! The availability of effective contraception has made a massive difference to our sex lives.

“Looking at the stats you could actually say we hate children.”

5

2008-08-20T12:34:00.001+01:00

Jack’s bluntness still sometimes caught Stuart by surprise. He was used to people older than him talking in circles and clichés. His parents for sure had never spoken to him directly about sex – not that he’d want them to. The mere thought of it made him shudder.

Jack wasn’t like that. He might be ten years older than Stuart, but he was a mate, and he told the truth. He didn’t seem to get embarrassed. Stuart couldn’t even begin to imagine his dad talking about personal stuff – the really personal stuff. But it just seemed to be natural with Jack.

Once the pastor of Stuart’s church had mentioned the word “masturbation” in a sermon. It was like an icy-fog fell upon the congregation. Everyone was staring at their feet, and some of the older people started tutting and coughing. But Jack would just came right out with it, “Stuart, how often are you wanking?”

“Stuart,” Jack was asking now, “What happens when a man and a woman have sex?”

“You tell me! You’re married – I’m guessing you’re pretty experienced! What do you want, a biology lesson?”

“No, its alright Stuart, I don’t need you to draw me a diagram. But tell me – what happens?”

“Well,” paused Stuart, starting to feel a bit embarrassed himself now, “You get your kit off and go for it man! And you feel great. Then you watch a bit of TV and after a while do it again!”

“Nice – you’re really painting a romantic picture there Stuart. Think a bit more practically, a bit more biologically even – you’ve seen all those wildlife shows on TV. What is sex for?”

“I thought you said it was more than just biology, but put that way, I guess what you mean is that sex means kids. And that’s why I’m so horny – it’s the biological imperative! I’m meant to spread my genes around for the survival of the human race. This means it is essential – its my duty! – to have sex with Kate; only I’ll wear a condom so that she doesn’t get pregnant. It’s a perfect system see – we do what nature intended, but without any nasty consequences!”

Jack grinned. “You’re a funny guy Stuart, but you talk a load of crap. Do me a favor and humor an old guy – an old guy with kids – and let me talk you through this one. Its going to take a while. I’ve got three reasons why you should hold off having sex, and this is only the first one.”

Stuart slumped back in the sofa. He was in no hurry. He couldn’t see Kate again until the next day anyway, and even if he wasn’t having sex, at least he was talking about it.

4

2008-08-14T07:58:00.001+01:00

Kate knew she could turn heads. She’d always been pretty, always received more than her fair share of Valentine’s cards, and over the past few years had snogged her fair share of boys.

From the way that Stuart kissed she guessed he hadn’t had as much practice as her, but that didn’t matter. He could be trained. There was something about him that was interesting. He looked good too, but it was more than that – somehow they just seemed to ‘fit’.

Kate lay on her bed and replayed the afternoons events in her mind, word by word, and touch by touch. Stuart made her laugh! When she’d first met him Kate knew Stuart was funny, although he had seemed shy – a bit rude even – towards her. Lots of the guys were funny, but Stuart wasn’t just stupid funny. He wasn’t just showing off. Being with him was fun.

And she had liked kissing him. She could feel his passion, his desire, and that made her feel good. She felt wanted. She liked the way his hands felt against her back as he held her, and Kate started to imagine what those hands would feel like against her chest. It was an exciting thought.

Yes, Stuart was the one. This was more than just a bit of fun at the end of a party. This meant something.

3

2008-08-08T21:57:00.001+01:00

“I’ve never felt anything like it Jack. She is unbelievable. Horny doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

“Why do you want to have sex with Kate?” asked Jack.

Stuart looked at Jack with a mix of disbelief and disappointment. Sometimes he could be so lame.

“What do you mean, ‘Why do I want to have sex with her?’ She’s gorgeous and I’m desperate! How does that song go? You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. That’s how I feel! You’ve told me often enough to back off from the wanking, well if I’m with Kate I won’t need to will I!”

“But Stuart, there must be more to it than that. You know you’re more than just an animal following a basic instinct. Having sex with Kate isn’t just like having a drink if you’re thirsty or getting something to eat if you’re hungry. Its not just another bodily function is it – its not like being desperate for a piss and simply not being able to help yourself. You know there’s more to it than that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” replied Stuart, “I know you’ve always said that. I don’t think I understand it though. I sure don’t feel it right now. All I’m feeling is lust! Why can’t I have sex with her? Don’t try and scare me with stories about some nasty disease – I’ll wear a condom, and anyway, I’m pretty sure she’s about as sexually experienced as me, so there shouldn’t be much chance of catching anything!”

“Well, you tell me. If I can’t scare you out of sex, are there any more positive reasons you can think of for holding back?”

“It would have to be an absolutely amazing reason to seem more important than what I’m feeling right now! I know the line, ‘Don’t have sex until you get married,’ but why not? No-one but a few weird Christians believe that anymore, and it doesn’t seem to be doing anyone much harm to ignore it.”

“Okay Stuart, lets take it right back and try and work out what’s going on here.

“First thing,” continued Jack, “You do believe you and Kate are more than just animals don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So – in that case there should be something more than just biology that compels you to have sex. Do you love her?”

“Love her! It’s a bit early for that Jack.”

“But Stuart, if its too early to talk about love, isn’t it also too early to talk about sex?!”

Stuart thought for a moment… “Well… I see your point, but surely you don’t have to be absolutely sure you love someone to make love to them?! It would be a beautiful thing, and it wouldn’t hurt anyone. It might help us work out whether we love each other. I do think I could love her. How do you know what love is anyway? I’ve never felt like this about anyone else, so its not just sex – its sex with her.”

“Well that’s a start. You’re not just animals, and love – whatever that is – ought to come into it somewhere.

“Where do we get those ideas from?” asked Jack.

Stuart sighed. “I’ll give you credit Jack. Its taken you five minutes and you haven’t mentioned the “G” word. But that’s what you’re after isn’t it: the reason I know we’re not just animals and that love ought to come into it somewhere is because of the big gee.”

“That seems to make sense!”

“Go on then.” Said Stuart. “Tell me – what does God think about sex? And why did he let it be something that drives me so crazy?”

2

2008-08-01T17:32:00.001+01:00

Kate.

She was Stuart’s dream girl – long, thick, wavy, raven-black hair, green eyes, a cute smile, and legs all the way to heaven. When Kate grasped Stuart’s arm as they pushed for a table in a crowded coffee bar he felt the curve of her breast against his bicep and his mouth went dry.

She had seemed so unattainable but here they were, the two of them, having coffee. And she didn’t seem bored or embarrassed by him. Kate was actually laughing at his jokes, encouraging him on. Talking was easy. It was like being with one of his mates, but none of Stuart’s mates looked like this.

And Stuart didn’t normally keep trying – accidentally of course – to hold hands with his mates.

But Kate wasn’t resisting.

They left the coffee bar hand-in-hand, walked to the river, found a bench, and kissed. She tasted as good as she looked and Stuart felt all the desire he had ever known surge into desire for the body he held in his arms.

Where did this overwhelming desire come from? It seemed to block out, render irrelevant, every other thought or ambition. It was a desire that he had often tasted. From the age of thirteen it felt like it had been his constant companion – both an unwelcome distraction and a welcome friend, filling his mind with hours of delicious fantasy, but also bouts of guilt. Discovering porn had fed his desire, but Stuart hadn’t needed porn to create the desire – porn simply gave it a focus. And porn also fed desires frustration. He could never get to grips with those bodies, never feel them, touch them, taste them.

But now here was Kate, holding him, kissing him. And all those years of desire surged within him. His desire had a focus – a real focus, a someone. Someone warm and soft and beautiful.

And Stuart knew, knew like he’d never known anything, that he wanted to work out this desire on Kate. Not, “one day,” but now. Right now. As soon as she would let him.

They walked back to Kate’s house and kissed again at the door, but then she was gone. That cute smile and those eyes winking good-bye and the door shut.

Stuart went in search of Jack.

1

2008-07-31T16:12:00.001+01:00

Stuart looked in the mirror and liked what he saw.

He was ripped this summer. All those hours in the gym had finally paid off. Not bulked up like Josh, that was never going to be his physique. Not that he wanted it to be. Sure, having that much muscle would be cool, but it just seemed to attract trouble – all those other guys squaring up for a fight. And anyway, most of the girls seemed to prefer the skinnier guys. Muscular skinny – like the guys on High School Musical. Guys like him.

Stuart was pretty sure that this was what Kate liked. And that was the important thing.

One last look, and Stuart was out of the door.